I respect those people that exemplify a desire and willingness to change. It’s hard coming to realize that you don’t have all of the information, or that your ways are not always the best ways. Learning of your own limitations and frailties seems like it will leave you disheartened, and maybe for a time, it does. However, in my experience, when I come to understand my limitations and frailties, I actually find strength and growth.
As a young father, my parenting style was to lecture. I’ve spent a lot of my life learning and I felt it was my responsibility to teach what I had learned to my sons (and at times, my wife). I would find faults and then let people know what they needed to do to fix it. There was usually little to no empathy, and though I would have told you it came from a place of love… it didn’t. It usually came from a place of me wanting things to be a certain way.
I remember coming to a realization that this was happening in my life, it wasn’t fun. When Buster was a toddler, he would call me his Best Buddy. We would spend time together and have fun all of the time. I loved being around him and loved watching him grow. Buster was born with an infectious love of life, and simply being around him made me happier.
As Buster grew, my belief in my responsibilities as a parent changed. Instead of enjoying time with him, I felt the need to teach him, to make a man out of him. I started looking for those things that he needed help with, pointed them out to him, and told him how to fix it. I felt like I was helping him out and being a responsible dad.
One night, Buster basically asked Traci, without me around, why I had stopped loving him. I can only imagine the emotions going through Traci as she knew she needed to tell me, but also knew how this would impact me. Luckily, she is a strong woman. When she told me, my emotions boiled over… it was a rough night. Of course, I loved Buster, in my mind that had never changed. The advice of a wise wife, ‘Tomorrow, don’t try and teach him anything. Just enjoy being with him. Be his Best Buddy, again.’
The next day I took her advice. Buster and I worked, played games, and just were with each other. It was a great day. I tried following this pattern the following days, as well. I kind of saw it as a vacation from ‘real parenting.’ What was interesting was that Buster had way more questions for me about life. We actually talked more about Jesus Christ. I realized that he listened to me, even when I didn’t think he was paying attention.
This reminded me of a lesson Traci had taught me, that she learned as a social worker. If a child has a question, even if it’s asked at an inconvenient time, listen and seek to help them find an answer. Kids open up so infrequently that when they do there’s probably something driving it. If you miss that opportunity, even if you try and answer the question later, the window may already be closed.
I recognized that when I loved Buster and just spent time with him, he asked me questions that I didn’t think about, a lot of times, questions I didn’t really care about. But this time, since I was just enjoying my time with him, we’d discuss those questions. I learned that I hadn’t been thinking about life from an 8 year-olds perspective, it’s quite different.
As I read Alma 8 this week, I thought about Alma being rejected in Ammonihah, then being told to return. As I considered what I would say to an entire people that rejected me, none of it was kind. What I realized is that I have an agenda. I had an agenda with Buster. I knew what I wanted to teach and I didn’t consider if that’s what he wanted to/needed to learn. As I considered Alma, his situation was compounded, he was commanded to tell the people to repent… obviously not something they wanted to hear.
Alma’s approach to these people who had rejected him, not too different from my sons rejecting my teachings, shows me how I need to change. Alma 8:30 - ‘And Alma went forth, and also Amulek, among the people, to declare the words of God unto them; and they were filled with the Holy Ghost.’ The final clause in that scripture makes the difference, Alma didn’t return with a refined version of his agenda. Alma (and Amulek) were filled with the Holy Ghost.
As I consider being filled with the Holy Ghost, I’m reminded of Nephi 4:6 - ‘And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.’ Combining these two scriptures, I recognize an approach of strength and an approach of weakness. An approach of weakness allows for no help or insight. An example of a weak approach was that I believed I knew everything I needed to know, and I decided what I was going to teach my son.
An approach of strength includes first loving, then recognizing that I don’t understand everything. Why is love first? When I truly love someone, I’ve found that me being right doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is helping the person I love. If I don’t have to be right, I remove the bottleneck (what I know and my biases) that limits finding the best resources and options to answer difficult questions. Opening myself up to other views, approaches, and resources to help others, continues to benefit my own life.
Realizing I don’t understand everything brought me to an appreciation and reliance on the Holy Ghost. Jesus Christ exemplifies love. He has given more for us than we can understand. His desire for our happiness far exceeds our own. In order to give us the best opportunity for happiness, he provided us the Holy Ghost. John 14:16, 26 - ‘And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever… But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.’
The best approach I’ve ever taken in my life is seeking to understand what the Holy Ghost would have me do, then do it.
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