Removing the Bottleneck

I respect those people that exemplify a desire and willingness to change. It’s hard coming to realize that you don’t have all of the information, or that your ways are not always the best ways. Learning of your own limitations and frailties seems like it will leave you disheartened, and maybe for a time, it does. However, in my experience, when I come to understand my limitations and frailties, I actually find strength and growth. 

As a young father, my parenting style was to lecture. I’ve spent a lot of my life learning and I felt it was my responsibility to teach what I had learned to my sons (and at times, my wife). I would find faults and then let people know what they needed to do to fix it. There was usually little to no empathy, and though I would have told you it came from a place of love… it didn’t. It usually came from a place of me wanting things to be a certain way. 

I remember coming to a realization that this was happening in my life, it wasn’t fun. When Buster was a toddler, he would call me his Best Buddy. We would spend time together and have fun all of the time. I loved being around him and loved watching him grow. Buster was born with an infectious love of life, and simply being around him made me happier. 

As Buster grew, my belief in my responsibilities as a parent changed. Instead of enjoying time with him, I felt the need to teach him, to make a man out of him. I started looking for those things that he needed help with, pointed them out to him, and told him how to fix it. I felt like I was helping him out and being a responsible dad.

One night, Buster basically asked Traci, without me around, why I had stopped loving him. I can only imagine the emotions going through Traci as she knew she needed to tell me, but also knew how this would impact me. Luckily, she is a strong woman. When she told me, my emotions boiled over… it was a rough night. Of course, I loved Buster, in my mind that had never changed. The advice of a wise wife, ‘Tomorrow, don’t try and teach him anything. Just enjoy being with him. Be his Best Buddy, again.’

The next day I took her advice. Buster and I worked, played games, and just were with each other. It was a great day. I tried following this pattern the following days, as well. I kind of saw it as a vacation from ‘real parenting.’ What was interesting was that Buster had way more questions for me about life. We actually talked more about Jesus Christ. I realized that he listened to me, even when I didn’t think he was paying attention. 

This reminded me of a lesson Traci had taught me, that she learned as a social worker. If a child has a question, even if it’s asked at an inconvenient time, listen and seek to help them find an answer. Kids open up so infrequently that when they do there’s probably something driving it. If you miss that opportunity, even if you try and answer the question later, the window may already be closed.

I recognized that when I loved Buster and just spent time with him, he asked me questions that I didn’t think about, a lot of times, questions I didn’t really care about. But this time, since I was just enjoying my time with him, we’d discuss those questions. I learned that I hadn’t been thinking about life from an 8 year-olds perspective, it’s quite different. 

As I read Alma 8 this week, I thought about Alma being rejected in Ammonihah, then being told to return. As I considered what I would say to an entire people that rejected me, none of it was kind. What I realized is that I have an agenda. I had an agenda with Buster. I knew what I wanted to teach and I didn’t consider if that’s what he wanted to/needed to learn. As I considered Alma, his situation was compounded, he was commanded to tell the people to repent… obviously not something they wanted to hear. 

Alma’s approach to these people who had rejected him, not too different from my sons rejecting my teachings, shows me how I need to change. Alma 8:30 - ‘And Alma went forth, and also Amulek, among the people, to declare the words of God unto them; and they were filled with the Holy Ghost.’ The final clause in that scripture makes the difference, Alma didn’t return with a refined version of his agenda. Alma (and Amulek) were filled with the Holy Ghost.

As I consider being filled with the Holy Ghost, I’m reminded of Nephi 4:6 - ‘And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.’ Combining these two scriptures, I recognize an approach of strength and an approach of weakness. An approach of weakness allows for no help or insight. An example of a weak approach was that I believed I knew everything I needed to know, and I decided what I was going to teach my son.

An approach of strength includes first loving, then recognizing that I don’t understand everything. Why is love first? When I truly love someone, I’ve found that me being right doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is helping the person I love. If I don’t have to be right, I remove the bottleneck (what I know and my biases) that limits finding the best resources and options to answer difficult questions. Opening myself up to other views, approaches, and resources to help others, continues to benefit my own life.

Realizing I don’t understand everything brought me to an appreciation and reliance on the Holy Ghost. Jesus Christ exemplifies love. He has given more for us than we can understand. His desire for our happiness far exceeds our own. In order to give us the best opportunity for happiness, he provided us the Holy Ghost. John 14:16, 26 - ‘And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever… But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.’

The best approach I’ve ever taken in my life is seeking to understand what the Holy Ghost would have me do, then do it. 

Obedience to the Unenforceable

A few years ago, I thought my life had hit rock bottom. Even though I knew I was capable of performing my job, I was struggling at work. For some reason, nothing seemed to go right. I remember I could tell you what was wrong with the situation, including what was wrong with my boss, my boss’s boss, my employees, other employees, customers, and everything about work. It was rough and I couldn’t really see how it could get worse, then it did. 

I found out my wife was going through an equally, if not more difficult time in her life. This blindsided me… I had no idea things were so bad for her. I considered how unfortunate we were to be going through such difficult times in our lives at the same time. Shortly after that, I came to the realization that these weren’t two isolated events. Traci could not turn to me for support, because my only focus was myself, which only complicated and compounded her problems. 

“If I do not have peace within me, others around me will suffer,” Marvin J. Ashton. This is a hard lesson to learn.

It took years to surface from the hole I dug our family into, but we made it. As I look back at my life, regardless of the types of challenges or trials facing me, I recognize that the darkest times of my life were those times where my focus grew so narrow, that my problems were the only things I could consider. To a degree, I feel this is the inverse of Matthew 7:3. If my problems were a mote, a speck of dust, I put them so close to my eye that they blocked out the mountains of problems others were facing. I lost out on opportunities to help people I love.

At the best times of my life, I faced some of my greatest challenges. However, as opposed to the dark times in my life, the highlights of these times always include seeing someone’s pain lessen, or seeing real growth in someone else. Interestingly, I’m not at the center of my favorite memories. 

As I studied and pondered this week, Alma 5:9 stuck out to me in a way that it never has before. “And again I ask, were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? I say unto you, Yea, they were loosed, and their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love. And I say unto you that they are saved.” 

I love that not only when the chains of bondage were loosed, that the people were set free, but I love that their souls expanded. Instantly, as I read this my thoughts turned to consider what chains hold me in bondage, and with what chains am I holding others in bondage? As I considered this, I gained a greater understanding of Mosiah 4:2, because I too viewed my own carnal state and I too felt like less than the dust of the earth. 

In the midst of this, my focus turned to Alma 5:14, “And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?”

I felt a greater need to experience a mighty change of heart. Even though my desire to experience this change of heart increased, my understanding of what to do to continually experience this change of heart remained obfuscated. As I continued to study, I came across a quote by Lord Moulton, that clarified where I should place my efforts, “obedience to the unenforceable.”

What an amazing concept wrapped up into four words, obedience to the unenforceable. There is no way to enforce ‘love thy neighbor.’ There is no way to enforce ‘be a peacemaker.’ There is no way to enforce humility. There is no way to enforce meekness. 

Combine this with the further words of Marvin J. Ashton, “Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own.”

Peace is the one thing I’ve probably strived for more than anything else in my life. I can now recognize which activities bring lasting peace. Not only do I need to rid my heart of judgment, hatred, inequity, but I need to fill it with obedience to those parts of life that can’t be enforced. If I truly love, I won’t truly hate. If I am a peacemaker, I won’t seek contention. If I am meek, I will learn what I need to work on. 

This week I’ve come to more fully recognize that I must be obedient to the unenforceable. I need to consider what I want to prioritize, then show the character to live in accordance with those priorities. The first priority I want to put in place is what Jesus asked of each us in John 13:34, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” Starting today, I will deliberately take time every day to consider others and the problems they may be facing. I will then seek to understand how I can love and serve them, as Christ loves and serves me.