Red Ball or Black Ball?

I don’t believe there are as many idiots in the world as I’m being told. Everywhere I turn, I feel like people are being categorized as idiots for how they understand the world. I’m using idiot as a general term to represent anyone who’s intelligence is demeaned with words like stupid, dumb, crazy, simple, or small-minded. With this many idiots, I’m surprised how many amazing things keep happening in the world. 

When my dad was a kid, his best friend was a guy by the name of Denny Mallet. So many of my dad’s best stories involved Denny. One of my favorite stories was about how Denny had the coolest car in the neighborhood (amongst the teenage boys). One day, long after Denny had purchased his car, he told my dad something about his gray car. My dad stopped him and said, “Denny, your car is green!” Denny was colorblind and didn’t know his car he had been driving for a significant amount of time was green. 

Another story of people seeing things differently comes from Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget. Piaget wanted to understand the development of children, so he created different experiments to gain understanding. In one of Piaget’s experiments, Piaget included a ball that was black on one side and red on the other side. Piaget would let the child see the entire ball, they knew it was two different colors. He would then hold the red half toward the child, and ask them what color he (Piaget) saw. Children would say, red. Piaget would then remind them the ball had two sides. He would then run the experiment again. The results would usually stay the same, with the child saying the color was red. It wasn’t until the young children grew and developed, that they would then recognize that the color Piaget was seeing was different than what they were seeing. 

My dad loved Denny Mallet, when he found out that Denny was colorblind, they had a laugh and my dad loved him even more. When we have a disagreement with someone, this is the experience we want to have. We want to find out the other person has something wrong with them. Or, as Hallmark’s movie empire would suggest, we want to believe the other person is wrong because of a miscommunication. Luckily, when they find out they’re wrong, things will work out, and they’ll understand we were always in the right.  

As I get older, I’ve begun to recognize how few and far between experiences like this really are. Conversely, I now recognize how often I’m looking at a black ball, while the person I’m talking to is looking at a red ball. It’s important to recognize, I’m not looking at a gray ball, and the other person is looking at a white ball because my side is shaded. My ball is black, the other person’s ball is red. 

There are times in life where two people’s understanding of a single situation cannot be reconciled as easily as one of them is colorblind, or one person is in the dark and the other is in the light, so the ball appears different colors. People have different needs. People come from different backgrounds. People are different and they understand things differently. It’s interesting that things like ‘love languages’ are so widely accepted, and we’re okay with at least five of them. However, when we consider everyday understandings in life, we are continually told (in large part by the media) there are only two ways to see this, and one of them is wrong. So what do we do with this?

A big clue to how we should act can be found in reading Alma’s teaching to his son Helaman. Alma recounts his conversion to Jesus Christ. He then talks about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and discusses the sweet peace and joy that comes into the lives of those who embrace it. He then gives him council on the world he’s living in and the people he’ll be serving. Alma then tells Helaman to council with the Lord in all of his doings. 

What is fascinating is that after all of these great things he’s taught his son, he summarizes it in eight words that tell the entire story. Alma 37:47: “see that ye look to God and live.” In a world where so many things compete for our time, energy, and money, Alma says if you really want to live, look to God. As we look to God what do we find?

At the bottom of this are listed some scriptures to understand God, but let’s read passages from Moses 7, which is a conversation between God and Enoch. In these verses, Enoch sees God weep, and asks him, how He, God, can weep.

29: And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?

32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood;

The only record we have of God weeping, and the reason he gives is that His children hate each other. 

So what does this have to do with the red ball, black ball? Humanity continues to put the red ball, black balls of life between each other. We then focus so hard on what color we’re looking at. We focus so we can convince the other person about what we’re seeing. We want them to come to the same understanding we have. We want them to stop being idiots. We begin hating them for not understanding what we see.

The harder we focus on the ball, the color, and our arguments, the less we can see our sister or brother on the other side of the ball. Because we’re so focused on the ball, we can’t see them in pain. We can’t see them crying. We can’t recognize that they’re scared. We don’t see what God sees.

When God looks down, He doesn’t see idiots, He sees his children that He made. Children that were created to have joy. God’s work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man, not to win arguments. Am I helping my sisters and brothers experience joy? What’s my work and glory?

Scriptures to understand God...

Matthew 6:14-15: For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

John 13:34-35: A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

Ephesians 4:31-32: Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

2 Timothy 1:7: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Removing the Bottleneck

I respect those people that exemplify a desire and willingness to change. It’s hard coming to realize that you don’t have all of the information, or that your ways are not always the best ways. Learning of your own limitations and frailties seems like it will leave you disheartened, and maybe for a time, it does. However, in my experience, when I come to understand my limitations and frailties, I actually find strength and growth. 

As a young father, my parenting style was to lecture. I’ve spent a lot of my life learning and I felt it was my responsibility to teach what I had learned to my sons (and at times, my wife). I would find faults and then let people know what they needed to do to fix it. There was usually little to no empathy, and though I would have told you it came from a place of love… it didn’t. It usually came from a place of me wanting things to be a certain way. 

I remember coming to a realization that this was happening in my life, it wasn’t fun. When Buster was a toddler, he would call me his Best Buddy. We would spend time together and have fun all of the time. I loved being around him and loved watching him grow. Buster was born with an infectious love of life, and simply being around him made me happier. 

As Buster grew, my belief in my responsibilities as a parent changed. Instead of enjoying time with him, I felt the need to teach him, to make a man out of him. I started looking for those things that he needed help with, pointed them out to him, and told him how to fix it. I felt like I was helping him out and being a responsible dad.

One night, Buster basically asked Traci, without me around, why I had stopped loving him. I can only imagine the emotions going through Traci as she knew she needed to tell me, but also knew how this would impact me. Luckily, she is a strong woman. When she told me, my emotions boiled over… it was a rough night. Of course, I loved Buster, in my mind that had never changed. The advice of a wise wife, ‘Tomorrow, don’t try and teach him anything. Just enjoy being with him. Be his Best Buddy, again.’

The next day I took her advice. Buster and I worked, played games, and just were with each other. It was a great day. I tried following this pattern the following days, as well. I kind of saw it as a vacation from ‘real parenting.’ What was interesting was that Buster had way more questions for me about life. We actually talked more about Jesus Christ. I realized that he listened to me, even when I didn’t think he was paying attention. 

This reminded me of a lesson Traci had taught me, that she learned as a social worker. If a child has a question, even if it’s asked at an inconvenient time, listen and seek to help them find an answer. Kids open up so infrequently that when they do there’s probably something driving it. If you miss that opportunity, even if you try and answer the question later, the window may already be closed.

I recognized that when I loved Buster and just spent time with him, he asked me questions that I didn’t think about, a lot of times, questions I didn’t really care about. But this time, since I was just enjoying my time with him, we’d discuss those questions. I learned that I hadn’t been thinking about life from an 8 year-olds perspective, it’s quite different. 

As I read Alma 8 this week, I thought about Alma being rejected in Ammonihah, then being told to return. As I considered what I would say to an entire people that rejected me, none of it was kind. What I realized is that I have an agenda. I had an agenda with Buster. I knew what I wanted to teach and I didn’t consider if that’s what he wanted to/needed to learn. As I considered Alma, his situation was compounded, he was commanded to tell the people to repent… obviously not something they wanted to hear. 

Alma’s approach to these people who had rejected him, not too different from my sons rejecting my teachings, shows me how I need to change. Alma 8:30 - ‘And Alma went forth, and also Amulek, among the people, to declare the words of God unto them; and they were filled with the Holy Ghost.’ The final clause in that scripture makes the difference, Alma didn’t return with a refined version of his agenda. Alma (and Amulek) were filled with the Holy Ghost.

As I consider being filled with the Holy Ghost, I’m reminded of Nephi 4:6 - ‘And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.’ Combining these two scriptures, I recognize an approach of strength and an approach of weakness. An approach of weakness allows for no help or insight. An example of a weak approach was that I believed I knew everything I needed to know, and I decided what I was going to teach my son.

An approach of strength includes first loving, then recognizing that I don’t understand everything. Why is love first? When I truly love someone, I’ve found that me being right doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is helping the person I love. If I don’t have to be right, I remove the bottleneck (what I know and my biases) that limits finding the best resources and options to answer difficult questions. Opening myself up to other views, approaches, and resources to help others, continues to benefit my own life.

Realizing I don’t understand everything brought me to an appreciation and reliance on the Holy Ghost. Jesus Christ exemplifies love. He has given more for us than we can understand. His desire for our happiness far exceeds our own. In order to give us the best opportunity for happiness, he provided us the Holy Ghost. John 14:16, 26 - ‘And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever… But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.’

The best approach I’ve ever taken in my life is seeking to understand what the Holy Ghost would have me do, then do it. 

Obedience to the Unenforceable

A few years ago, I thought my life had hit rock bottom. Even though I knew I was capable of performing my job, I was struggling at work. For some reason, nothing seemed to go right. I remember I could tell you what was wrong with the situation, including what was wrong with my boss, my boss’s boss, my employees, other employees, customers, and everything about work. It was rough and I couldn’t really see how it could get worse, then it did. 

I found out my wife was going through an equally, if not more difficult time in her life. This blindsided me… I had no idea things were so bad for her. I considered how unfortunate we were to be going through such difficult times in our lives at the same time. Shortly after that, I came to the realization that these weren’t two isolated events. Traci could not turn to me for support, because my only focus was myself, which only complicated and compounded her problems. 

“If I do not have peace within me, others around me will suffer,” Marvin J. Ashton. This is a hard lesson to learn.

It took years to surface from the hole I dug our family into, but we made it. As I look back at my life, regardless of the types of challenges or trials facing me, I recognize that the darkest times of my life were those times where my focus grew so narrow, that my problems were the only things I could consider. To a degree, I feel this is the inverse of Matthew 7:3. If my problems were a mote, a speck of dust, I put them so close to my eye that they blocked out the mountains of problems others were facing. I lost out on opportunities to help people I love.

At the best times of my life, I faced some of my greatest challenges. However, as opposed to the dark times in my life, the highlights of these times always include seeing someone’s pain lessen, or seeing real growth in someone else. Interestingly, I’m not at the center of my favorite memories. 

As I studied and pondered this week, Alma 5:9 stuck out to me in a way that it never has before. “And again I ask, were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? I say unto you, Yea, they were loosed, and their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love. And I say unto you that they are saved.” 

I love that not only when the chains of bondage were loosed, that the people were set free, but I love that their souls expanded. Instantly, as I read this my thoughts turned to consider what chains hold me in bondage, and with what chains am I holding others in bondage? As I considered this, I gained a greater understanding of Mosiah 4:2, because I too viewed my own carnal state and I too felt like less than the dust of the earth. 

In the midst of this, my focus turned to Alma 5:14, “And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?”

I felt a greater need to experience a mighty change of heart. Even though my desire to experience this change of heart increased, my understanding of what to do to continually experience this change of heart remained obfuscated. As I continued to study, I came across a quote by Lord Moulton, that clarified where I should place my efforts, “obedience to the unenforceable.”

What an amazing concept wrapped up into four words, obedience to the unenforceable. There is no way to enforce ‘love thy neighbor.’ There is no way to enforce ‘be a peacemaker.’ There is no way to enforce humility. There is no way to enforce meekness. 

Combine this with the further words of Marvin J. Ashton, “Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own.”

Peace is the one thing I’ve probably strived for more than anything else in my life. I can now recognize which activities bring lasting peace. Not only do I need to rid my heart of judgment, hatred, inequity, but I need to fill it with obedience to those parts of life that can’t be enforced. If I truly love, I won’t truly hate. If I am a peacemaker, I won’t seek contention. If I am meek, I will learn what I need to work on. 

This week I’ve come to more fully recognize that I must be obedient to the unenforceable. I need to consider what I want to prioritize, then show the character to live in accordance with those priorities. The first priority I want to put in place is what Jesus asked of each us in John 13:34, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” Starting today, I will deliberately take time every day to consider others and the problems they may be facing. I will then seek to understand how I can love and serve them, as Christ loves and serves me. 

Consider Others

When I moved to Billings, Montana, it came at a very difficult time of life. I was struggling with both my physical and mental health. I wasn’t sure why I was going back, or even what I was hoping for. I was well aware of my own struggles and thought about them often, I had to, I talked to doctor’s about them regularly.

Upon arriving, I was paired up with James Anderson (but in my journal I call him Stu). I remember our first meeting, it was January in Montana, and I asked him how he was doing. The words he answered with matched his intonation and body language, “I’m cold.” To an extent, this furthered my anxiety and made me wonder what I was doing. I was wrong about Stu. What I’d come to find out is that Stu was amazing. Dude was intelligent, funny, and super athletic. Over the next three months, he would change my life.

I don’t know what Stu’s impressions of me were, but I do know one thing (he made it perfectly clear), he wouldn’t tolerate me saying bad things about myself. I didn’t realize that I had gotten into a bad habit of ripping myself down whenever I got the chance. I remember saying things like, “I’m so dumb,” or “How stupid can I be?” In typical Anderson fashion, he wouldn’t let it slide, and would ask, “Explain to me why you’re stupid? You made a mistake? If that makes you stupid, who do you know that’s not stupid?” I remember feeling stupid for saying I felt stupid. 

What I didn’t realize at the time, was that when I was saying these things about myself, I was only thinking about myself. I wasn’t thinking about others. I was reminded of this story as I read Alma 4 this week. What stuck out to me about Alma 4, was that I felt like I was reading about myself. Alma 4:2-4:

2 But the people were afflicted, yea, greatly afflicted for the loss of their brethren, and also for the loss of their flocks and herds, and also for the loss of their fields of grain, which were trodden under foot and destroyed by the Lamanites.

3 And so great were their afflictions that every soul had cause to mourn; and they believed that it was the judgments of God sent upon them because of their wickedness and their abominations; therefore they were awakened to a remembrance of their duty.

4 And they began to establish the church more fully; yea, and many were baptized in the waters of Sidon and were joined to the church of God.

As these people considered their own trials and hardships they were humbled and were “awakened to a remembrance of their duty.” Unfortunately, the scope of their thoughts was still themselves. As their burdens and trials changed, the impact of their focus on themselves manifests itself more plainly. Alma 4:6,8:

6 And it came to pass in the eighth year of the reign of the judges, that the people of the church began to wax proud, because of their exceeding riches, and their fine silks, and their fine-twined linen, and because of their many flocks and herds, and their gold and their silver, and all manner of precious things, which they had obtained by their industry; and in all these things were they lifted up in the pride of their eyes, for they began to wear very costly apparel.

8 For they saw and beheld with great sorrow that the people of the church began to be lifted up in the pride of their eyes, and to set their hearts upon riches and upon the vain things of the world, that they began to be scornful, one towards another, and they began to persecute those that did not believe according to their own will and pleasure.

This way of thinking always leads to one path. Alma 4:12:

12 Yea, he saw great inequality among the people, some lifting themselves up with their pride, despising others, turning their backs upon the needy and the naked and those who were hungry, and those who were athirst, and those who were sick and afflicted.

I believe inequality comes because people believe that they deserve something more than others. It wasn’t enough that this group of people had their burdens lightened and were blessed with comforts of life. They continued focusing on themselves and what would bring them happiness.

As I began dating Traci, I began to realize how far off I really was. Growing up, (outside of family and friends) the people I remember looking up to were Doug Gilmour, Mats Sundin, Larry Bird, Damon Albarn, and Charles Barkley. I looked up to people that were talented, successful, and good people. 

When I began talking to Traci, I found out she dreamed of one day being Mother Teresa. Traci looked up to people who helped other people. Traci wanted to live with people in need and help them. To be clear, I aspired to be successful and gain even more possessions, while my wife dreamed of a day of living without possessions. This inward desire to help others made her into the woman she is today.

As I was reminded of the story about me and Stu, I reread that portion of my journal. I was surprised to find how obvious the change was from my first couple of weeks with Stu, to the weeks just before we were split. At the beginning, my journal entry were a mix of a travel log and an update on my mental health. By the end, I was considering others. My desire to help others had increased. 

March 4th, 1999: 

“We had a car accident this week that hurt Stu’s back, so we’ve spent a lot of time in the house. To tell you the truth (which I always do), I just want to go talk to people, be nice to people, help people.”

Every day this week, as I asked God what he wanted me to do that day, I felt like the answer was each day to focus on specific people, and to help them have better days. Some days I did a better job of that than others, and my happiness on those days directly correlated. As I read that section of my journal, for the first time ever, days after receiving those answers to prayers, I recognize that I haven’t learned well enough that I need to consider others. I need to love others. I need to help others.  

I’m grateful that Stu was further along the path than me. He was willing to consider others, luckily I was one of the others. He changed my life because he loved others. 

As I think about what this looks like, my thoughts are turned to the life of Jesus Christ. Every hour of his days was spent in the service of others. Before giving his physical life, he gave his time, efforts, and heartaches to others. 

Now more than ever, I need to grow to understand, then live John 13:34:

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

The Power of Words

When I was in college, a friend of mine told me (as a compliment), “If you had a superpower it would be that you can mock anyone into submission.” I remember that compliment stinging me then, it continues to stand as a reminder to me today. 

I was reminded of this not-so-pleasant memory as I read Mosiah 27 this week. Unlike Alma the younger, I don’t know that I ever mastered flattery, but I know that I caused anguish and contention, “giving a chance for the enemy of God to exercise his power over them.” (Mosiah 27:9) 

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to recognize not only the pain that words can bring, but that the pain is usually being piled on top of other pains individuals are trying to endure and work through. I consider the words of Elder Eyring, “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”

This was a hard lesson to learn and I want to believe it helped me improve, however, what I know changed me was learning that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I empathize with Alma the younger as I consider Mosiah 27:19, right after an angel of the Lord appeared to Alma. This angel not only brings Alma to an awareness of his sins but to an awareness of Jesus Christ as his Savior.

“And now the astonishment of Alma was so great that he became dumb, that he could not open his mouth.”

Alma’s powers came from his mouth, leading away the hearts of the people. I don’t believe it’s coincidental that he’s made dumb. I don’t know if it was God’s power that made Alma dumb, or as I’ve found in my life, my own awareness that stopped me from speaking. The question is, why would knowledge of Jesus Christ change the way we speak?

When I started truly feeling the effects of the atonement, I found increased peace and joy in my life. Repentance brings peace and joy. The atonement of Jesus Christ brings peace and joy. The savior endured unimaginable pain to give us this gift. When I use this gift, I feel loved, I feel peace, I feel joy, and I have an increased desire for others to feel the same feelings. 

As I begin considering my desire to help others, I’m reminded of the words in James 3:10-13:

10 - Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

11 - Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

12 - Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

13 - Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.”

In order to act with meekness, you must first look to God for understanding. That is why I became dumb after learning about Jesus Christ, I had relied on my own intellect for so long, that I had no words to speak. I didn’t yet possess the words which were founded in the meekness of wisdom, words founded in Jesus Christ. 

I continue to seek to understand this, but I feel like God is providing me greater insight as I continue to try. Some of this insight is a greater understanding of the power of words. I was brought to an awareness that I have had prayers answered. I have given blessings that have healed, comforted, and brought understanding. Words have changed my life, especially the words of God. 

Elder Holland has helped shape the goal for me, 

“In his deeply moving final testimony, Nephi calls us to “follow the Son [of God], with full purpose of heart,” promising that “after ye have … received the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost, [ye] can speak with a new tongue, yea, even with the tongue of angels. … And … how could ye speak with the tongue of angels save it were by the Holy Ghost? Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ.” Indeed, Christ was and is “the Word,” according to John the Beloved,11 full of grace and truth, full of mercy and compassion.”

As a parent, these lessons are manifest daily. I recognize that when I speak with love and gentleness toward my wife and my sons, our home contains greater peace. When I am sarcastic or critical, our home isn’t as peaceful. What’s more troubling and exciting is that I’ve started realizing that when I show love and gentleness my boys follow, when I am sarcastic and critical my boys follow. 

If Jesus Christ was full of grace and truth, full of mercy and compassion, that is my goal. I’m striving for my words to be words of grace and truth, words of mercy and compassion.